Laugh Your Ass Off!
I came home drunk one night carrying a big trophy. My wife said, “Where did you get that?” “I won the big dick contest down at the bar!” She said, “You didn’t take that ghastly thing in public, did you?” “No, only enough to win!”
I was making love to my wife one night and I would stroke real fast for a few seconds then freeze! Stroke real fast and freeze! Stroke real fast and freeze! She said, “Where the hell did you learn that?” “I learned it on the internet- it’s called Buffering!”
A shy, timid accountant was sentenced to time in prison for filing false tax returns. They put him in a cell with a big, black guy named Bubba. After introductions, Bubba said, “Do you want to be the wife or the husband?” The account thought of what might happen to his backside if he picked “wife” so he said, “I think I’ll be the husband”. So Bubba said, “Fine! Now get over here and suck your wife’s DICK!”
How can you tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit!
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? “Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing is going to get!”
I hate winter! I especially hate it when I sit down on the toilet and my dick hits that ice cold water!
My wife said, “Give me nine inches and make it hurt!” So, I stuck it in her three times and slugged her in the stomach!
I got a job at the zoo circumcising baby elephants. The pay’s not much but the tips are big!
I used to eat a can of dog food every night for dinner but I had to quit. One day I was sitting the middle of the road licking my dick and I almost got hit by a car!
I walked into the diner and a sign on the wall said, Grilled Cheese Sandwich - $2.00 / Hand Jobs - $5.00. I asked the waitress, “Are you the one who does the hand-jobs?” She said, “Yes, I am!” I said, “Fine! Go wash those hands and fix me a grilled cheese sandwich!”
William Shatner started a new line of lingerie but it was a colossal flop. It must have been the name: Shatner Panties
The bra, formally known as the brasserie, was a French invention many, many years ago. It could have been quite different had the Germans beat the French to the patent office. Had that happened, the lovely brassiere would be known today as the “schtop-er-tits-un-floppen”.
Two hippies are walking along the railroad tracks completely stoned. One hippie says, “This is a really long fucking staircase, man!” The other hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this fucking low handrail that’s killing me! But, don’t worry, I hear the elevator coming”.
When I was a teenager my mom would tell me masturbation would make me go blind. So, I asked her, “Can I do it until I have to wear glasses?”
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste!
A man walks into a bar. "Bartender! Give me a beer! I'm celebrating!" The bartender says, "What's the special occasion?" The man says, "I'm celebrating my first blow-job!" So the bartender says, "That's great! Let me buy you another one." The man says, "Nah! If one beer don't get the taste out of my mouth, the second one won't either!"
Did you hear about the new male birth control pill? You put it in you shoe and . . . It makes you limp!
You know you’re fat when a fart bubble gets stuck between your cheeks!
The most important two holes on a man or a woman is their nostrils - so they can breathe while sucking cock!
Sammy Davis, Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald started a chain of fried chicken restaurants but it was a total flop. Must have been the name: Sam an’ Ella Chicken
Did you hear about the blonde and brunette friends who were talking? The brunette said, “Last night, I made love to a Brazilian. The blonde said, “Wow! How many is a brazillion?”
A brunette on one side of the river shouts to the blonde across the river, “Hey, how do I get to the other side?” The blonde shouts back, “You’re already on the other side!“
I got a great piece of ass the other day . . . my finger slipped through the toilet paper!
What does an 80 year old woman have between her tits that a 20 year old woman doesn’t? A navel!
What can a woman do that a cow can’t? Stand in water up to her ass without getting her tits wet!
Brunette: I just took a pregnancy test.
Blonde: What was the hardest question?
Brunette: Are you fucking stupid?
Blonde: OMG! What was your answer?
I’m an old guy. Once, I was asked if I was afraid sex could be fatal? I replied, “If she dies, she dies”.
My wife used to smoke after sex . . . so we started using lube.
My wife asked, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were dating?” So I took her to dinner, a movie and dropped her off at her parent’s house.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, “I was going to eat that later! Now it will taste like a carrot!”
4 people having sex is called a four-some, 3 people having sex is called a three-some, 2 people having sex is called a two-some. I wonder why everyone calls me HAND-some?
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.” Why would she ask me to pee on a skeleton?
Back in the 70s, I was the first porn star to gag Linda Lovelace. She took one look at me and threw up!
Last Christmas, my wife said she wanted something that goes from 0 to 250 in three seconds flat. So I gave her a bathroom scale.
Menu: Honeymoon Salad - Lettuce Alone / No Dressing
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome? Pull down their genes!
Did you hear about the woman who had a sex change operation? She had an addadicktomy.
How do you tell if your wife died? The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up in the sink.
Did you hear about the Divorced Barbie Doll? She comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house and the pool boy!
I just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 22nd time.
(Thanks to Lucy, Hotwifeforplay1969, for this great joke!)
My wife left me a note on the refrigerator: “This isn’t working anymore.” I haven’t seen her in days but the refrigerator works fine!
What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely a lucky gay guy!
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
A well-to-do British gentleman woke up one morning and noticed a tremendous bulge in his pajamas. Immediately, he summoned the butler, “Jeeves! What do you make of this?” “Oh, excellent, Sire! Shall I summon the Mrs.?” “No - fetch me my baggiest pair of knickers! Let’s smuggle this bugger into town!”
How does Popeye keep his dick from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oyl!
I’m a retired chemist so now I spend my spare time in retirement turning beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
I bought a pair of shoes from my d r u g dealer. I don’t know what they were laced with but I’ve been tripping all day!
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side-chick is you!
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. But then, the librarian asked me to take it out!
I once dated a girl with a twin. Folks asked me how I could tell them apart. I told them, Lisa painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock!
Sex with three people is called a threesome. Sex with two people is called a twosome. I guess that’s why they call you handsome!
I was late to my first Fight Club last night so I missed the rules. Still, Fight Club is awesome and I’d highly recommend Fight Club!
My high school was so small we had sex education and driver’s ed in the same car!
Did you know that seven days of anal sex makes one hole weak?
A man would come home every day at lunch and ate a can of dog food. This annoyed his wife so she asked their doctor if that would be a problem. The doctor said, “If he eats one more can of dog food, he’s going to die!” She rushed home and when she got out of her car, a neighborhood ran over and told her her husband is dead! She said, “Oh, no! The doctor said if he ate one more can of dog food, he would die!” The neighbor said, “Dog food? He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his dick and a car ran over him!”
What does 80 year old pussy smell like? . . . Depends . . .
So, I said to my *********** son, “Bob, it’s time we had a talk about sex.” He said, “Sure, Dad. What do you want to know?”
My girlfriend called me a p*******e. I said to her, “Well, isn’t that a real long word for a *************?”
It was so cold last night . . . How cold was it? . . . It was so cold I had to bring in my brass monkey!
I will be adding more laughs to this on a regular basis - stay tuned!
I was making love to my wife one night and I would stroke real fast for a few seconds then freeze! Stroke real fast and freeze! Stroke real fast and freeze! She said, “Where the hell did you learn that?” “I learned it on the internet- it’s called Buffering!”
A shy, timid accountant was sentenced to time in prison for filing false tax returns. They put him in a cell with a big, black guy named Bubba. After introductions, Bubba said, “Do you want to be the wife or the husband?” The account thought of what might happen to his backside if he picked “wife” so he said, “I think I’ll be the husband”. So Bubba said, “Fine! Now get over here and suck your wife’s DICK!”
How can you tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit!
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve? “Stand back! I don’t know how big this thing is going to get!”
I hate winter! I especially hate it when I sit down on the toilet and my dick hits that ice cold water!
My wife said, “Give me nine inches and make it hurt!” So, I stuck it in her three times and slugged her in the stomach!
I got a job at the zoo circumcising baby elephants. The pay’s not much but the tips are big!
I used to eat a can of dog food every night for dinner but I had to quit. One day I was sitting the middle of the road licking my dick and I almost got hit by a car!
I walked into the diner and a sign on the wall said, Grilled Cheese Sandwich - $2.00 / Hand Jobs - $5.00. I asked the waitress, “Are you the one who does the hand-jobs?” She said, “Yes, I am!” I said, “Fine! Go wash those hands and fix me a grilled cheese sandwich!”
William Shatner started a new line of lingerie but it was a colossal flop. It must have been the name: Shatner Panties
The bra, formally known as the brasserie, was a French invention many, many years ago. It could have been quite different had the Germans beat the French to the patent office. Had that happened, the lovely brassiere would be known today as the “schtop-er-tits-un-floppen”.
Two hippies are walking along the railroad tracks completely stoned. One hippie says, “This is a really long fucking staircase, man!” The other hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this fucking low handrail that’s killing me! But, don’t worry, I hear the elevator coming”.
When I was a teenager my mom would tell me masturbation would make me go blind. So, I asked her, “Can I do it until I have to wear glasses?”
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste!
A man walks into a bar. "Bartender! Give me a beer! I'm celebrating!" The bartender says, "What's the special occasion?" The man says, "I'm celebrating my first blow-job!" So the bartender says, "That's great! Let me buy you another one." The man says, "Nah! If one beer don't get the taste out of my mouth, the second one won't either!"
Did you hear about the new male birth control pill? You put it in you shoe and . . . It makes you limp!
You know you’re fat when a fart bubble gets stuck between your cheeks!
The most important two holes on a man or a woman is their nostrils - so they can breathe while sucking cock!
Sammy Davis, Jr. and Ella Fitzgerald started a chain of fried chicken restaurants but it was a total flop. Must have been the name: Sam an’ Ella Chicken
Did you hear about the blonde and brunette friends who were talking? The brunette said, “Last night, I made love to a Brazilian. The blonde said, “Wow! How many is a brazillion?”
A brunette on one side of the river shouts to the blonde across the river, “Hey, how do I get to the other side?” The blonde shouts back, “You’re already on the other side!“
I got a great piece of ass the other day . . . my finger slipped through the toilet paper!
What does an 80 year old woman have between her tits that a 20 year old woman doesn’t? A navel!
What can a woman do that a cow can’t? Stand in water up to her ass without getting her tits wet!
Brunette: I just took a pregnancy test.
Blonde: What was the hardest question?
Brunette: Are you fucking stupid?
Blonde: OMG! What was your answer?
I’m an old guy. Once, I was asked if I was afraid sex could be fatal? I replied, “If she dies, she dies”.
My wife used to smoke after sex . . . so we started using lube.
My wife asked, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were dating?” So I took her to dinner, a movie and dropped her off at her parent’s house.
I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, “I was going to eat that later! Now it will taste like a carrot!”
4 people having sex is called a four-some, 3 people having sex is called a three-some, 2 people having sex is called a two-some. I wonder why everyone calls me HAND-some?
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.” Why would she ask me to pee on a skeleton?
Back in the 70s, I was the first porn star to gag Linda Lovelace. She took one look at me and threw up!
Last Christmas, my wife said she wanted something that goes from 0 to 250 in three seconds flat. So I gave her a bathroom scale.
Menu: Honeymoon Salad - Lettuce Alone / No Dressing
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."
How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome? Pull down their genes!
Did you hear about the woman who had a sex change operation? She had an addadicktomy.
How do you tell if your wife died? The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up in the sink.
Did you hear about the Divorced Barbie Doll? She comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house and the pool boy!
I just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 22nd time.
(Thanks to Lucy, Hotwifeforplay1969, for this great joke!)
My wife left me a note on the refrigerator: “This isn’t working anymore.” I haven’t seen her in days but the refrigerator works fine!
What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely a lucky gay guy!
What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
A well-to-do British gentleman woke up one morning and noticed a tremendous bulge in his pajamas. Immediately, he summoned the butler, “Jeeves! What do you make of this?” “Oh, excellent, Sire! Shall I summon the Mrs.?” “No - fetch me my baggiest pair of knickers! Let’s smuggle this bugger into town!”
How does Popeye keep his dick from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oyl!
I’m a retired chemist so now I spend my spare time in retirement turning beer, wine and whiskey into urine.
I bought a pair of shoes from my d r u g dealer. I don’t know what they were laced with but I’ve been tripping all day!
Roses are red, violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side-chick is you!
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. But then, the librarian asked me to take it out!
I once dated a girl with a twin. Folks asked me how I could tell them apart. I told them, Lisa painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock!
Sex with three people is called a threesome. Sex with two people is called a twosome. I guess that’s why they call you handsome!
I was late to my first Fight Club last night so I missed the rules. Still, Fight Club is awesome and I’d highly recommend Fight Club!
My high school was so small we had sex education and driver’s ed in the same car!
Did you know that seven days of anal sex makes one hole weak?
A man would come home every day at lunch and ate a can of dog food. This annoyed his wife so she asked their doctor if that would be a problem. The doctor said, “If he eats one more can of dog food, he’s going to die!” She rushed home and when she got out of her car, a neighborhood ran over and told her her husband is dead! She said, “Oh, no! The doctor said if he ate one more can of dog food, he would die!” The neighbor said, “Dog food? He was sitting in the middle of the road licking his dick and a car ran over him!”
What does 80 year old pussy smell like? . . . Depends . . .
So, I said to my *********** son, “Bob, it’s time we had a talk about sex.” He said, “Sure, Dad. What do you want to know?”
My girlfriend called me a p*******e. I said to her, “Well, isn’t that a real long word for a *************?”
It was so cold last night . . . How cold was it? . . . It was so cold I had to bring in my brass monkey!
I will be adding more laughs to this on a regular basis - stay tuned!
4 years ago