How to Become Sexually Confident (for Women)

Co-authored by Trudi Griffin, LPC, MS

Last Updated: June 14, 2024 References

Sexual confidence comes from within, and learning to develop your confidence can take a lot of work. You may have poor sexual confidence due to poor body image or lack of sexual experience. However, confidence is critical to taking your sexuality to new levels! You must know yourself and know what you want to have true sexual confidence. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or single and ready to mingle, building inner and outer sexual confidence will likely make your entire life more satisfying.

Part 1

Part 1 of 4:

Building Your Self Esteem

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1
Change your inner dialogue. To be sexually confident, you must feel confident on the inside. Turn your negative thoughts about body image or self-worth into positive thoughts. Tell yourself things like, “I am hot”, “I can do this”, and “I am beautiful”.^{[1]
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- When you have a negative thought, immediately try to spin it into a positive thought. For example, if you look in the mirror and think, “I hate my body”, try instead to find something that you do enjoy or take pride in about yourself, such as “I have such beautiful eyes" or "My legs carry me around each day”.
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Create a positive self-image. You have to look at your body and be happy with it in order to develop sexual confidence. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and show yourself compassion. Accept yourself for who you are and tell yourself that you are beautiful.
- Think about what a friend or admirer would say about your body. It's unlikely that this person would be as critical as you. Try to look at yourself through a supportive, self-compassionate lens. Your friends wouldn't judge you, so neither should you!
- Be hygienic and dress in clothes that make you feel good about yourself to promote a positive self image.^{[2]
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- Be naked as often as possible. The more you can do it, the more comfortable you become with your body. Being more at ease with your body is the ultimate form of self-confidence.^{[3]
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Exercise. Exercise has numerous benefits including boosting your body image, fighting disease, reducing stress and increasing your overall happiness. Exercise releases hormones that make you feel happy, which can help boost your self esteem.^{[4]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source} Exercising will make you feel strong and fit, and help you to feel more sexually confident.
- You can easily create unique ways to fit exercise into your daily schedule by using your imagination. Walk or bike to school or work, if it's not too far away. Join a sport or group fitness class. Grab a volley ball and ask your friends to meet you at the beach for volleyball on weekends. The possibilities to get your body moving are endless.^{[5]
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EXPERT TIP

Laila Ajani
Fitness Trainer
Laila Ajani is a Fitness Trainer and founder of Push Personal Fitness, a personal training organization based in the San Francisco Bay Area. With over 13 years as a trainer and exercise specialist, Laila has expertise in competitive athletics (gymnastics, powerlifting, and tennis), personal training, distance running, and Olympic lifting. Laila is certified by the National Strength & Conditioning Association (NSCA), and USA Powerlifting (USAPL), and she is a Corrective Exercise Specialist (CES).

Laila Ajani
Fitness Trainer

Women shouldn't worry that weight training will drastically change their bodies. Due to hormonal differences between sexes, weight training is unlikely to cause significant muscle mass change in women. You'll unlikely get "bulky" unless you're overdoing it at the gym. Embrace weight training for improved fitness.
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Wear lingerie around the house. Lingerie is made to make you look sexy by accentuating the natural shape and size of your body. Find a nice piece in your favorite color and rock it. If you start to wear lingerie around the house, you will see yourself as a sensual and sexy woman, enhancing your body empowerment.^{[6]
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- Try wearing lingerie under your regular clothes in public. It will be your “little secret” and you will walk with more confidence. Knowing you are wearing it might increase your own sexual thoughts and desire, boosting your sexual confidence.

Part 2

Part 2 of 4:

Learning Your Body and Sexual Needs

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Look at your genitals in a mirror. Everyone's labia, vagina etc is different, and you need to be familiar with your exact anatomy. Go into a room where you can have privacy and lock the door behind you. Use a hand mirror. The majority of orgasms originate from clitoral stimulation, so spend extra time locating and becoming familiar with that area.^{[7]
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- If you know what your body looks like, you can help guide your partner to areas that feel the best.
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Masturbate. Masturbation can help you learn how you like to be touched and what feels good. Pleasuring yourself can also be a great way to reduce stress.^{[8]
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Research source} Masturbate often and in many different ways. Trying different methods helps you know what you like and dislike. If you know what pleasures you, when the time comes, you can direct your partner to achieve that same feeling.
- Put yourself in the mood by taking a warm bath, performing self-massage, or lighting some candles. Once you have gotten adjusted to using your hands, try using a sex toy like a dildo or vibrator to increase sexual pleasure.^{[9]
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Emily Morse, Author & Sex Therapist

Prioritize finding out what works for you. "The best thing you can do for your sexual confidence is taking the time to learn what feels good for your body."
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Study human sexuality. Read a graphic novel and sex books (like the Kama Sutra) and learn all the possible ways of being pleasured. Learn about different positions, techniques, and methods of sexual experience to develop an understanding of what's possible and what might seem interesting to you.
- If you prefer partners of the opposite sex, learn about male anatomy as well. Having the right knowledge will lead to increased sexual confidence when you engage in sexual activity.
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Strengthen your pelvic floor with kegels. Learning this exercise can improve weakened pelvic floor muscles due to childbirth, being overweight, having surgery, or straining due to constipation.^{[10]
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Mayo Clinic
Educational website from one of the world's leading hospitals

Go to source} In addition to these physical issues, kegel exercises can also increase the blood flow to the vagina, increase sexual arousal, relax vaginal muscles, enhance lubrication, and increase your ability to achieve orgasm.
- First, identify the pelvic floor muscles. Tighten your muscles like you would if you were stopping urine mid-stream. You can also insert a finger into your vagina and contract these same muscles. The vagina should tighten around your fingers if you are doing this correctly. If you place a hand on your abdomen, it should not move.
- To practice kegels, sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Breathe deeply. Contract the pelvic floor muscles for 3 to 6 seconds. Then, relax them for the same amount of time. Repeat the exercise 10 to 20 times for several sessions each day.^{[11]
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Part 3

Part 3 of 4:

Showing Self-Confidence in Public

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Wear clothing that boosts your confidence. When you go out on the town to meet up with friends, a new date, or for a date with your partner, wear an outfit you feel great in. If you must, go shopping to pick up a few items that speak to you. Look for colors, styles, and fabrics that bring out your best features.^{[12]
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- What you wear will depend on your personal style. It may be a dress, an edgy leather jacket, a pair of heels, or a killer pair of jeans. Just be sure to don an outfit that allows you to sparkle like only you can.
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Be yourself. Stay true to who you are when you are expressing your sexual confidence. You might need to fake your confidence a little to give yourself a boost, but be sure to stay true to your morals and values. If you are uncomfortable in a situation, then back away and try something new.
- Don’t compare yourself to other women. Accept who you are and be true to her. You might see another woman who is skinnier or has better hair then you, and you might feel jealous. Instead, think about all the wonderful attributes you have and be happy about the person you are.^{[13]
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Close your ears to society. Women's bodies are constantly sexualized in music videos, in magazines, or in film or on TV. Men, in many ways, are given the option to uplift feminine sexuality, but women are expected to inhibit these parts of themselves. Even today, women are frequently chastised or discriminated against for embracing their sexuality.
- The idea of remaining pure from puberty and beyond can cause some women to suppress their sexual urges. Ignore the mixed messages you receive in the media about what you should or shouldn't do when it comes to your sexuality. Only you can set the bar on what feels right for you. Listen to your personal needs and values and allow them to guide you in making choices about your sexuality.

Part 4

Part 4 of 4:

Interacting with Your Partner

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Initiate. If you put yourself in control of a sexual situation, you will feel confident inwardly and appear confident outwardly. A woman who knows what she wants and isn't shy about taking the lead is timelessly attractive.
- Approach someone at a bar, and ask to dance. Wink your eye at your hot new neighbor. Send a naughty text to your long-term partner to build up desire before a night of steamy sex.^{[14]
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- Make the first move to message someone on a dating app. If you're new to online dating, make a profile on an app like Tinder, Hinge, or Match.
- Reader Poll: We asked 156 wikiHow readers and 57% of them named Tinder as their favorite online dating platform. [Take Poll] So that one might work for you, too!
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Communicate your desires. Expressing your likes and dislikes during sex can result in greater sexual satisfaction for you.^{[15]
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Research source} Nonverbal communication, such as moaning, body movements, and facial expressions, had an impact on one's sexual self-esteem and satisfaction. However, verbalizing phrases like "Yes, right there" can further guide your partner to pleasuring you better.
- Does talking about what you like make you uncomfortable? You're not the only one. Try this strategy. Hold out your palm and have your partner swirl a finger in a circle on your palm. Tell your partner what you like about this sensation and what you would like to continue. Once you have completed this exercise, try the technique in the midst of a sexual encounter and see if it helps you become more vocal about your desires.^{[16]
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Listening to and implementing feedback. Remember, communicating desires goes both ways. Being a better sexual partner can actually improve your sexual confidence as well, so, be sure to take the time to teach and learn. Just as you are verbally and nonverbally telling your partner what you like, you should pay attention to what he or she responds to and make changes as need to enhance the experience for the both of you.^{[17]
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- Even if your partner makes a critical comment use the information constructively to improve your skill.^{[18]
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Those with the best sex lives are the ones who discuss the experience once it's over. As you cuddle with your partner after, talk about what you liked and what felt good.^{[19]
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Research source} Instead of talking about what wasn't so successful, simply use more direction next time you are in the act with your partner.