What kinda porn i like...
I've been asked what kind of videos I like here and frequently sent links. even after saying "I'm very picky" I get random links to like, every type of video at random, so let me break it down in detail, and if asked again I can just send you to this post for clarity. I'd like to remind you that most of this is just my personal opinion so don’t reply telling me why it's wrong or too bitchy. It's my opinion therefore it cannot be "Wrong" or even "Right" outside of my own preferences. Its how I feel, therefore it's my opinion. I realize its extremely nitpicky and aside from a few side-tracks, it's just how I am. Hopefully it answers any questions for those who can actually read, (Which ironically are going to be the ones most likely to ask anyway…because they can't read this part either or are too lazy to do so. Damn the ironic reality, damn it to the Hades)
Got your popcorn and soda? here we go. AAaaaaaadd:
Firstly, I have a short attention span, and since I rarely do anything but skim for boredom, videos must be between 3 and 18 minutes long. Any longer and I can't reliably download or play them on my crappy ancient computer. It needs to cool every 20 minutes or so after playing Media player full blast. Any shorter than that and its not even worth the time, so ideally, about ten minutes run time. Since that is not enough time for story or plot, it must be nearly or entirely free of filler. Introduction, dialogue, teasing or fictional storylines are not welcome, and must be either brief or absent. For a 5 minute or less video, I cannot waste time and energy on a story.
Secondly, I have virtually no tolerance for men in porn. I cannot stand men talking in my porn, I don’t wanna see hairy body parts taking up camera space and distracting me from the good stuff. If men are present they must be discreet and well cropped to a minimal degree. If fucking, cock and balls are unavoidable but they can at least look clean and well groomed, preferably black, but ideally just not there at all. Any male grunting or stupid comments from them ruins the video immediately. For this reason I generally stick with female-solo, lesbian, or Trans videos.
Thirdly, I find generic people boring, so the stereotypical porn star look is old news and if the women (or woman) are generic barbie-doll silicone blondes, there needs to be some seriously amazing feats or abilities to impress me. I have a vagina and tits I can look at any time, so showing skin alone does not impress me. I require some kind of action, or it's not porn, its just casual nudity. Things I find appealing are chubby women with hourglass figures, goth/punk or unique looks, props and toys, or examples of extreme atypical behavior. I like my action aggressive and noisy, preferably messy and anything BDSM is probably not gonna hurt anything.
Fourthly, if something like dildo action or fisting includes a male giver, this is acceptable as long as they shut the fuck up and do their job rather than looking into the camera and doing bicep flexes like a retard. For this reason I prefer even the fister or dildoer to be female, but sadly, women are generally less aggressive and often lead to slow and "gentle" use that result in a quiet and boring video. its even better if it’s a solo performance, because any aggressive toying or fisting is clearly consenting, so I know not only does the model enjoy it, but has the drive to take matters into her own hands…by taking her own hands; literally. Though multiple model videos can be great, I find that 3-ways and orgies really degrade the action. You can't focus on one model and the camera is usually zoomed out so far you can't get details, which brings me to my next requirement.
Fifthly: video quality. Though I, myself, am too broke for a new webcam and understand limitations in equipment, some things are just not excusable and some things are excusable but still result in videos I can't watch and enjoy. I don’t expect 1080P quality but if I can see the actual pixels on a 14 inch laptop screen, it's unwatchable. I'm not blaming the model for having cheap cameras, but it's hard to watch for me. Next, cropping. Seriously people…turn your fucking phone. Every computer screen in the world is designed to be horizontally oriented, and 99 percent are fixed this way. Sideways longer than height, common sense shit. So if you take the time to make a video, turn the phone that way so we don’t have a video that is 90 percent black cropping space on the sides and 2 inched wide. If you have more then 2 videos that way in a collection of fewer then ten total videos, your cameraman is an idiot. Fire him, turn the phone 90 degrees. There is no excuse for that shit. It's free and takes 2 seconds to do. Pay attention. Now some things are forgivable, like not having a tripod or knocking the phone over by accident, and not everyone has video software where they can edit mistakes out, but if you are a serious individual who plans to do numerous videos and be an internet model for more than a few try-out vids, if you plan to do this regularly, please download some video software and edit your stuff if its going to be long videos. I see too many hour, or two hour videos that are literally half dead-space. ten minutes looking at the screen typing in silence, then the shirt comes off, a few more minutes of typing and mumbling to someone we cant hear because we cant see the screen, so you look schizoid-as-fuck. then ten minutes of "give me 5 million tokens and I'll show a nipple" and somewhere around the half hour mark they actually remove clothes and start doing something porn-related. ten minutes of diddling and then they take a break for more typing, sometimes even putting clothes back on for no fucking reason. 2 hour video, 12 minutes of actual content. crop that shit down. if you took the time to establish yourself as an actual cam-model, you can find and figure out rudimentary cropping skills and people will actually appreciate the video instead of swiping past.
Sixthly (damn this is getting deep) Daddy issues. PLEASE stop calling everyone Daddy. FYI, some of us are women, so that just shatters the experience for us, and it's just fucked up. I get the submissive thing, and the role playing but really? "Daddy?" why is pretending to a be a 12 year old c***d-m*****ing i****t victim supposed to be sexy? That shit dries my crotch faster than a fucking sham-wow and I'm just no longer gonna watch porn today. You ruined it. Master or mistress makes sense, using someone's screen-name is logical or just generalizing the audience as "guys" is still logical, but seriously…what the fuck is wrong with you bitches that you get turned on by daddy fucking? Ugh, no wonder you ended up in porn. Keep that shit to yourself and look for a ther****t or friend to confide in. don’t act it out on film…Jesus. Also, side note…anything on the internet is permanent. Not sure if you grasp that but your nekk** ass is now immortalized as video-evidence for all eternity, so ten years from now at that job interview, your boss may recognize you as the girl who shits in a cup for money. I'm just saying. If you are gonna do anything embarrassing or kinky, don’t use your real name, and at least try to conceal your identity a little. It's one thing to have someone randomly recognize you as the girl who did a simple nude video or filmed sex with her boyfriend, but if you are gonna do some hardcore kinky stuff with fuck-machines and orgies and anal fisting…maybe don’t link your personal face book account to it and give out your name and clearly visible full face and body shots for comparison. You can never undo that, think about it. There is nothing shameful about being a nudist or doing a fun video with your partner, but you do not want your grandk**s having easy access to 30 HD videos of you getting gang-fucked by furies with rainbow dragon dildos. Check your shit before you send it out. Editing software is cheap, you can get a mask for a dollar or a wig or just point the phone slightly lower so you cant see your face clearly if you are going to do anything you don’t want the general public seeing. Regrets do not fade.
Seventhly (never used that word before, this is getting long-winded) for me to actually get into the porn, audio is important too. I like a noisy recipient, but there needs to be some variation other then the exact same word of phrase repeated in a loop like a dubstep backing track. Music is helpful if well thought out, but its almost always used purely to drown out noise for privacy or added by another person later like a compilation track. If the music completely silences the model…it's distracting. If it's so grainy and fuzzy that you can't make out the song, it's irritating. The problem is that I have eccentric tastes in music and if country is playing in the video…I'm done. Rap is almost as bad. So I understand why it's common, but I still can't tolerate it. If I silence the video than I have no audio at all and must edit it myself with my own music and that is a lot of work so the content must be otherwise AMAZING. My crappy laptop is older than some of the bands are, so editing is a bitch and I will sooner just skip the video than mess with it.
You can see why the selection is now getting rather small and why it often takes me hours to find any video worth keeping or watching through.
Got your popcorn and soda? here we go. AAaaaaaadd:
Firstly, I have a short attention span, and since I rarely do anything but skim for boredom, videos must be between 3 and 18 minutes long. Any longer and I can't reliably download or play them on my crappy ancient computer. It needs to cool every 20 minutes or so after playing Media player full blast. Any shorter than that and its not even worth the time, so ideally, about ten minutes run time. Since that is not enough time for story or plot, it must be nearly or entirely free of filler. Introduction, dialogue, teasing or fictional storylines are not welcome, and must be either brief or absent. For a 5 minute or less video, I cannot waste time and energy on a story.
Secondly, I have virtually no tolerance for men in porn. I cannot stand men talking in my porn, I don’t wanna see hairy body parts taking up camera space and distracting me from the good stuff. If men are present they must be discreet and well cropped to a minimal degree. If fucking, cock and balls are unavoidable but they can at least look clean and well groomed, preferably black, but ideally just not there at all. Any male grunting or stupid comments from them ruins the video immediately. For this reason I generally stick with female-solo, lesbian, or Trans videos.
Thirdly, I find generic people boring, so the stereotypical porn star look is old news and if the women (or woman) are generic barbie-doll silicone blondes, there needs to be some seriously amazing feats or abilities to impress me. I have a vagina and tits I can look at any time, so showing skin alone does not impress me. I require some kind of action, or it's not porn, its just casual nudity. Things I find appealing are chubby women with hourglass figures, goth/punk or unique looks, props and toys, or examples of extreme atypical behavior. I like my action aggressive and noisy, preferably messy and anything BDSM is probably not gonna hurt anything.
Fourthly, if something like dildo action or fisting includes a male giver, this is acceptable as long as they shut the fuck up and do their job rather than looking into the camera and doing bicep flexes like a retard. For this reason I prefer even the fister or dildoer to be female, but sadly, women are generally less aggressive and often lead to slow and "gentle" use that result in a quiet and boring video. its even better if it’s a solo performance, because any aggressive toying or fisting is clearly consenting, so I know not only does the model enjoy it, but has the drive to take matters into her own hands…by taking her own hands; literally. Though multiple model videos can be great, I find that 3-ways and orgies really degrade the action. You can't focus on one model and the camera is usually zoomed out so far you can't get details, which brings me to my next requirement.
Fifthly: video quality. Though I, myself, am too broke for a new webcam and understand limitations in equipment, some things are just not excusable and some things are excusable but still result in videos I can't watch and enjoy. I don’t expect 1080P quality but if I can see the actual pixels on a 14 inch laptop screen, it's unwatchable. I'm not blaming the model for having cheap cameras, but it's hard to watch for me. Next, cropping. Seriously people…turn your fucking phone. Every computer screen in the world is designed to be horizontally oriented, and 99 percent are fixed this way. Sideways longer than height, common sense shit. So if you take the time to make a video, turn the phone that way so we don’t have a video that is 90 percent black cropping space on the sides and 2 inched wide. If you have more then 2 videos that way in a collection of fewer then ten total videos, your cameraman is an idiot. Fire him, turn the phone 90 degrees. There is no excuse for that shit. It's free and takes 2 seconds to do. Pay attention. Now some things are forgivable, like not having a tripod or knocking the phone over by accident, and not everyone has video software where they can edit mistakes out, but if you are a serious individual who plans to do numerous videos and be an internet model for more than a few try-out vids, if you plan to do this regularly, please download some video software and edit your stuff if its going to be long videos. I see too many hour, or two hour videos that are literally half dead-space. ten minutes looking at the screen typing in silence, then the shirt comes off, a few more minutes of typing and mumbling to someone we cant hear because we cant see the screen, so you look schizoid-as-fuck. then ten minutes of "give me 5 million tokens and I'll show a nipple" and somewhere around the half hour mark they actually remove clothes and start doing something porn-related. ten minutes of diddling and then they take a break for more typing, sometimes even putting clothes back on for no fucking reason. 2 hour video, 12 minutes of actual content. crop that shit down. if you took the time to establish yourself as an actual cam-model, you can find and figure out rudimentary cropping skills and people will actually appreciate the video instead of swiping past.
Sixthly (damn this is getting deep) Daddy issues. PLEASE stop calling everyone Daddy. FYI, some of us are women, so that just shatters the experience for us, and it's just fucked up. I get the submissive thing, and the role playing but really? "Daddy?" why is pretending to a be a 12 year old c***d-m*****ing i****t victim supposed to be sexy? That shit dries my crotch faster than a fucking sham-wow and I'm just no longer gonna watch porn today. You ruined it. Master or mistress makes sense, using someone's screen-name is logical or just generalizing the audience as "guys" is still logical, but seriously…what the fuck is wrong with you bitches that you get turned on by daddy fucking? Ugh, no wonder you ended up in porn. Keep that shit to yourself and look for a ther****t or friend to confide in. don’t act it out on film…Jesus. Also, side note…anything on the internet is permanent. Not sure if you grasp that but your nekk** ass is now immortalized as video-evidence for all eternity, so ten years from now at that job interview, your boss may recognize you as the girl who shits in a cup for money. I'm just saying. If you are gonna do anything embarrassing or kinky, don’t use your real name, and at least try to conceal your identity a little. It's one thing to have someone randomly recognize you as the girl who did a simple nude video or filmed sex with her boyfriend, but if you are gonna do some hardcore kinky stuff with fuck-machines and orgies and anal fisting…maybe don’t link your personal face book account to it and give out your name and clearly visible full face and body shots for comparison. You can never undo that, think about it. There is nothing shameful about being a nudist or doing a fun video with your partner, but you do not want your grandk**s having easy access to 30 HD videos of you getting gang-fucked by furies with rainbow dragon dildos. Check your shit before you send it out. Editing software is cheap, you can get a mask for a dollar or a wig or just point the phone slightly lower so you cant see your face clearly if you are going to do anything you don’t want the general public seeing. Regrets do not fade.
Seventhly (never used that word before, this is getting long-winded) for me to actually get into the porn, audio is important too. I like a noisy recipient, but there needs to be some variation other then the exact same word of phrase repeated in a loop like a dubstep backing track. Music is helpful if well thought out, but its almost always used purely to drown out noise for privacy or added by another person later like a compilation track. If the music completely silences the model…it's distracting. If it's so grainy and fuzzy that you can't make out the song, it's irritating. The problem is that I have eccentric tastes in music and if country is playing in the video…I'm done. Rap is almost as bad. So I understand why it's common, but I still can't tolerate it. If I silence the video than I have no audio at all and must edit it myself with my own music and that is a lot of work so the content must be otherwise AMAZING. My crappy laptop is older than some of the bands are, so editing is a bitch and I will sooner just skip the video than mess with it.
You can see why the selection is now getting rather small and why it often takes me hours to find any video worth keeping or watching through.
vor 6 Jahren